It has been some time since I tried this forum...A blog.
But who will read??? I ask, to an audience that appears to be as virtual as my existence. Or should I say my non-existence. I digress.

I have decided to write about something that has been very painful for me. My reality regarding my faith walk...which hasn't been for very long, meaning I haven't walked with Jesus for a very long time. (Born again in 2004 and counting).

I became a born again Christian in 2004. A journey that took a lot of trust, a lot of effort, letting go with much consideration, as Christians are so marginalized and scrutinized by non-believers today. I would be more prone to saying "misunderstood" would be more proper a word to describe our state.

I would say my journey has been very difficult at times, but very profound as well. I have had experiences that I cannot explain, (all good if you look at them from Gods perspective and as learning curves), other than the obvious-God intervened. Period.
But who do you tell these things to, these profound experiences without being subjected to the extremists, the judgements, the gossip...???

Well, I can tell you, this reality in the church, is a dark beast waiting in the shadows, ready to attack you at your most vulnerable. And I can say, I am a fairly sensitive person and always will be. To share such things of vulnerability with others is a true testement of courage and trust with whom I am sharing my very being with. Lets just say, I have shared with the wrong people, many times over (according to me). Church is supposed to be a place of refuge, comfort...as you are supposed to be around and surrounded by other like-minded people. Not so, in many cases.
The "church" today seems to have many who gossip and stick in groups, a.k.a. cliques. There should be no place for such groups at all in a church of any kind. Not what I would consider Christ-like behaviour either.
And being someone who was bullied as a child, I know how it feels to be considered an outcast. You don't seem to fit in with everyone or with any for that matter. You are seen as a problem...asked questions like: Are you into witchcraft? Do you believe in the occult? Why aren't you married?

As I was asked these very things here: "You're young, you're beautiful, you're not married...is your dad abusing you?"

I immediately answered NO, regarding the final piece of that sentance.
And since when do any of these posed querries have anything to do with who I am in Christ? Jesus doesn't care if I am married, what I physically look like, what my age is???? What is the bottom line here??? I am still not sure. It was a very awkward moment to be a part of, let me tell you.
And as for any abuse coming from my dad???, wow. Where was that going???
When I forgave this pastor for saying such things, she wondered about my forgiveness towards her and asked why. WHY??? I said exactly the reason for your statements, thats why. And in response..."thats not what I meant". Her words exactly. Not what she meant, wow, here I thought being Christian was to be a direct and to be an authentic person, not misleading others by asking generalized questions. As generalizing causes confusion and more pain. Yes, I was abused (verbally, physically) by my ex-boyfriend, which led me to start my pathetic life all over again. Ahhhhhhhh.
And it just so happens, living with my dad was and still is my option de jour. Yea life....
But this is still no excuse to abuse people verbally, socially, emotionally or mentally. Amen.
Don't you just love (sarcasm right there), when people deny or blame others for their very own lack of sensitivity, character, morals and all that with a side dish of NO integrity? I dislike very much when blame is cast and redicule becomes the norm. Authenticity. Yes, we all have to own our actions, behaviours and words.

My lack of self has always been a target for empowered bullies to practice on.(wow that sounds so "woe is me"...lol).
I went through more pain at this church (too much to mention here, as I can continue in another blog entry). I eventually left. It was easier to deal with my "reality" of being and continuing to feel alone in this fiasco, instead of having people judge me for the wrong reasons, I left in more pain than what I came with...I realized, I would rather be left alone, then be a part of this bunch. You can only take so much false.... (Keeping in mind, I am speaking of the pastor, her friend and many of the elders of that church...not all who attend as regular chuch folk, not innocent people that actually do go for worship and fellowship), just the cliques and groups there. I want no part of it.

But as they say, its water under the bridge...I just hope that bridge is still there for those who haven't crossed it themselves. All I do know is that bridge was crossed the day I returned to Christ. It was done, just like the work on the cross was done. And I really am glad I did. And forward on I march...hoping and praying that no one else will go through what I did, nor the amount of what I did. I am reminded it is a testimony. And to anyone reading this, keep this in mind, this is a very important reminder when you feel you are being wronged, falsely accused or bullied for your faith:

1 Peter 4:13 But rejoice, in as much as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

God Bless and keep on keeping on.